College Studies 1100 (3 Semester Hours)
Students are taken on a metaphorical and literal tour of their campus to learn how they learn. They will tour campus buildings and investigate the nuances of numerous undergraduate courses that will lead to a Bachelor(ette)’s degree in Science, Arts, or Humanities. Students will learn the names of deans, college presidents, librarians, and research associates who will eventually be publicly shamed for teaching an approved syllabus that meets the guidelines of the Board of Regents.
College Studies 1200 (3 Semester Hours)
A continuation of CS1100, the 1200 course expounds upon previous coursework, helping students dissect any professor’s lecture, statement by statement, into a personal attack on the student on any of the following grounds: misogyny, racism, ageism, sexism, conservatism, liberalism, nihilism, narcissism, homophobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia, Christianophobia, Judeophobia, exclusion, and collusion. You’ll also learn how to quash and silence the “freedom” of oppressive speech, as well as rebuff any logical discussion with the line, “you’re not [insert personal identifier (gender, race, religion)]!”.
English 1100 (3 Semester Hours)
The Western Canon is way out of touch with the modern world! We have scoured centuries of global literature to bring students the most comprehensive reading list ever encountered on an American University’s undergraduate course load. You’ll read Pre-Colonial, Colonial, and Post-Colonial African literature, codices of the Maya and Inca, poetry by Sunthorn Phu, spells and incantations in Rites of Zhou, and modern explorations of Amy Tan, ee cummings, and Khaled Hosseini. Usually reserved for upper-level or graduate studies, these complex, need-to-view-in-contemporary-context-in-order-to-relate pieces of literature are yours to explore just a year out of high school! At age 19! When your brain is still forming! We feel the idea that having a fundamental knowledge of the socio-political context of the literature of the western world, upon which the modern American campus was modeled, is totally irrelevant to the world at large. Insulting, even, to understanding literature in a global context.
English 1200 (3 Semester Hours)
Continuing on the same path as the 1100 course, English 1200 further explores non-western literature, focusing primarily on oral histories of the Inuit. For the culminating project, each student is assigned the task of writing an impactful, meaningful novel. Honoring the Safe Space Campus, students are forbidden from using any language that might alienate or offend their readership, including but not limited to words that refer to: race, age, gender, religion, height, weight, disability, vocal inflection, music preference, or computers.
English Composition 1492 (3 Semester Hours)
We’ve had to face some pretty hard truths at this university. First and foremost is accepting that the way we understand the English language is exclusionary and volatile. English is an oppressive language with its history and all its rules. We’ve turned English composition on its head with ENGCOMP1492! We consider this the New World of University Composition–and you get to crash its shores and beat its native inhabitants with your cudgels. Instead of making you conform to our “preferred rules of communicating in business, academia, and media”, we’ll conform to yours. Each student is tasked, over the course of the semester, with cataloguing their personal interpretation of the English alphabet, its rules, and pronunciations. Students will be graded on all subsequent written assignments according to these rules, which they must dictate to each professor, who in turn must demonstrate proficiency in your specific language before attempting to grade any written work.
Natural Science 1100 & 1200 (6 Hours + 2 Lab Hours)
In creating the Safe Space Curriculum, we found that non-western science curricula in areas such as Geology, Biology, Chemistry, Anatomy, Astronomy, and Physics created a circular-reference in that they all led back to Western research or discovery. Therefore, instead of forcing these western ideas on our safe space students (who, by the way, market research has found are not very likely to contribute in these areas) are encouraged to spend three hours a week each semester collecting significant contributions of non-westerners in these fields. We know they exist, but we can’t afford a librarian with enough patience to Google it all goddamn day.
Oh, you’ll need to perform some experiments. Maybe you could conduct one where you drill deep enough into the earth’s mantle to discover the corpse of American Liberalism. Odds are, it’s right where you left it.
Elective Course (3 Semester Hours)
You pretty much get to do whatever you want. If you feel the need to sit in your dorm for 3 hours a week and protect yourself from ideas that are different from your own and, therefore, inherently offensive, then by jingo that’s your elective! Need to get in a large group on campus for a vague social justice cause that must be important because so many people are vocal about it, and then step on other students’ individual rights? Elective! Basically, we can’t tell you what to elect, or dictate how to study what you elect, so you tell us!
If you’re keeping track of semester hours, this accounts for 26 total credit hours–the two extra hours are trophies you’ll receive for completing your first two semesters of college. And credits. They are real-life credits because, by Jimmy, you earned them.