Category Archives: Jokes

Little known fact: I write jokes

Blankets

They say a good way to see if your dog is smart is to put a blanket over it and see what it does. If they find their way out, they’re considered smart. 

I put a blanket over my dog and he laid down and went to sleep.  That seems pretty smart to me.  That’s what I do with blankets.

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Probably Hiking

The difference between hiking and walking is bear attacks.  If you get attacked by a bear, you were probably hiking.

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Morning Joe

I bought a fancy coffee maker with a bunch of different settings.  It’s so fancy I don’t even have to drink the coffee. By the time I figure out how to turn it on I’m wide awake.

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Good Luck

I hate waiting for my food at restaurants, because I have no idea if the person who took my order was serious or just messing with me.

“Yeah, I’d like a bowl of pasta, too.  Good luck.”

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Pocahontas

When your parents are really mad, they don’t know your name.  They just know you’re some asshole who’s fucking up all their shit.  My mother would call us every name in the family—because that’s who she was mad at, the whole family. But you couldn’t understand her because she’d clench her teeth and run all her words together.

“JOSEPHDANIELDAVIDPOCAHONTASCHEVYNOVA!”

My brothers and I would be like, “Who’s in trouble?  Pocahontas?  I heard Pocahontas.”

“That bitch is in trouble.  Mom’s pissed.”

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Movie Night

The bed and the couch are not interchangeable.  You can sleep on both, and watch TV on both.  But if you’re having movie night with the guys and you try to move it into the bedroom, you’re going to have to find new friends.

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Dealbreaker

When you’re a vegan you can still eat Oreos, which is nice.  But you can’t dunk them in milk.  Dealbreaker.

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