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5 Ways My Agent Screwed Me

I had a post several months ago where I finally felt free and comfortable enough to talk about the novel (HABITS AND HIJABS) that I’ve been working on for nearly a decade. The novel, once represented by an enthusiastic agent, has fallen completely and utterly through and I am now just as well off as if I had never had an agent to begin with. I am left trying to find a new agent, all while feeling colossally screwed by the last. Let me count the ways:

5: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION

I’ve been thinking about this since receiving THE CALL from my new agent. During the conversation, I was going through a list of questions I meant to ask, and the one that sticks out to this day, three years later, was this: I constantly write short stories between novel projects, is that something you will also be representing or are you sticking just with the novel? 

A simple No, just the novel would have suited me fine. But I didn’t get that. I got a rambling diversion that told me through implication that she wouldn’t be touching my short fiction. For three years I wondered why she wouldn’t just tell me no, why we had to hang up with that still lingering. Agents are supposed to be blunt, no-nonsense people, right? And it’s not like I got the chance to follow up with her. I never spoke to her again. I spoke to her assistant several times, but that brings me to…

4: Who, exactly, is my agent, and what is she doing?

My now-nullified contract clearly states that my agent is the head-honcho in charge of the whole agency. However, my agent never once directly emailed me, it was always relayed through her assistant, and like I said, the only time we spoke one-on-one was that first phone call.

Piddling stuff, yes? Well, sure, except that all my revisions and updates were sent to the assistant, and all the feedback came from the assistant. I recall one particular phone conversation that went along the lines of “I’m afraid I can’t send this along to Victoria, it’s just not where she needs it. I think we need to consult an editor or book doctor.”

Was my agent not reading my work? Were the comments coming from the agent through the assistant, or simply from the assistant? Was I back in the realm of submission and rejection? Seriously, I turned in numerous drafts of the novel, each time crossing my fingers like I’d done so many times with short stories, hoping I’d finally gotten it right…

3. Okay, I need an editor. Wait, they cost HOW MUCH!?

$6500. That’s how much. Now, before you go running around screaming about how this was a scam and I should have checked Predators and Editors and done my homework and all….I did my homework! You can Google the agent’s name and the editor’s name and find zero report of anything remotely scammy. I even had a correspondence with Victoria Strauss from Writer Beware, and she was cautious, but not surprised or overly concerned. No complaints.

So okay, there were two editors. My agent pressed me to pursue one, Benee Knauer (who is actually very awesome), but I avoided her at first because she was close to the agency. I went with an editor via referral from another editor, and I was happy with the work that I put into that rewrite. But. When I resubmitted the novel I was told it still fell flat. After some reconsideration, I decided ultimately to go with Benee Knauer. To do this, my wife and I discussed it and we agreed we could spend our tax return on this edit. It made me sick to do it at first, but again, Benee is awesome and I will never regret working with her. But my agent’s response to this rewrite was…

2. A form letter and vague invitation for future work

I know I’m compressing three years of writing and rewriting and agent correspondence here, but keep in mind that I had a signed contract that said this woman would represent my book. That she would work to sell the book. That she would read the fucking book.

Listen, I’ve been doing this for a long time, since the time when agents and journals preferred paper submissions and SASEs. I’ve received mass-produced rejections in numerous forms: 1-inch strips, half-sheets torn just off-center, and full-page form letters. I know what a form letter is, literally and metaphorically.

When you get a form letter, it means your work wasn’t read. It means you’re being passed over for better, more promising things. My agent sent me a form letter that was quite long but totally lacking in any specifics about my novel. This is crucial to understanding how completely and utterly screwed over I feel. I was supposed to be a represented writer with a work-in-progress, and yet I wound up being rejected just the same as all the other instances in the last 12+ years. When you think about it…

1. Having an agent has been like paying out of my ass to have no agent at all

I can find plenty of people who don’t give a shit about my writing. It isn’t for them, I get it. But your agent isn’t supposed to be one of them. They’re supposed to be the ones who, once you’ve entered into a contractual relationship, go to work for you. I’m not naive, I don’t expect an agent to take a novel that hasn’t been fully realized to an acquisitions editor. But I do expect honest and specific feedback (#2), some sort of common sense approach to editing rather than just telling me repeatedly to pay for an editor (#3), and an open and direct line of communication (#4 and #5).

The truth is that before this agent, the novel was well-liked by the friendly and encouraging readers at the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award (when it still existed), and probably could have been self-published at any point and generated some modest income that would have netted a profit by default, because I wouldn’t have spent the money or lost time to devoting my attention to this singular pursuit for this specific agent over the course of our shitty relationship.

The absolute worst part is that I am still where I was three years ago, back to querying agents who will hopefully want to read part or all of my novel. So far I have several rejections and one partial request. That’s super. Odds are very high that I will throw up my hands at some point and do what I should have done years ago: saunter up to the old CreateSpace portal and upload the novel to the Amazon marketplace. At this point I have nothing else to lose.

God, this absolutely blows. Writing it out didn’t even help.

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Safe Space Alternatives to the Liberal Arts Curriculum

Semester I

College Studies 1100 (3 Semester Hours)

Students are taken on a metaphorical and literal tour of their campus to learn how they learn. They will tour campus buildings and investigate the nuances of numerous undergraduate courses that will lead to a Bachelor(ette)’s degree in Science, Arts, or Humanities. Students will learn the names of deans, college presidents, librarians, and research associates who will eventually be publicly shamed for teaching an approved syllabus that meets the guidelines of the Board of Regents.

College Studies 1200 (3 Semester Hours)

A continuation of CS1100, the 1200 course expounds upon previous coursework, helping students dissect any professor’s lecture, statement by statement, into a personal attack on the student on any of the following grounds: misogyny, racism, ageism, sexism, conservatism, liberalism, nihilism, narcissism, homophobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia, Christianophobia, Judeophobia, exclusion, and collusion. You’ll also learn how to quash and silence the “freedom” of oppressive speech, as well as rebuff any logical discussion with the line, “you’re not [insert personal identifier (gender, race, religion)]!”.

English 1100 (3 Semester Hours)

The Western Canon is way out of touch with the modern world! We have scoured centuries of global literature to bring students the most comprehensive reading list ever encountered on an American University’s undergraduate course load. You’ll read Pre-Colonial, Colonial, and Post-Colonial African literature, codices of the Maya and Inca, poetry by Sunthorn Phu, spells and incantations in Rites of Zhou, and modern explorations of Amy Tan, ee cummings, and Khaled Hosseini. Usually reserved for upper-level or graduate studies, these complex, need-to-view-in-contemporary-context-in-order-to-relate pieces of literature are yours to explore just a year out of high school! At age 19! When your brain is still forming! We feel the idea that having a fundamental knowledge of the socio-political context of the literature of the western world, upon which the modern American campus was modeled, is totally irrelevant to the world at large. Insulting, even, to understanding literature in a global context.

English 1200 (3 Semester Hours)

Continuing on the same path as the 1100 course, English 1200 further explores non-western literature, focusing primarily on oral histories of the Inuit. For the culminating project, each student is assigned the task of writing an impactful, meaningful novel. Honoring the Safe Space Campus, students are forbidden from using any language that might alienate or offend their readership, including but not limited to words that refer to: race, age, gender, religion, height, weight, disability, vocal inflection, music preference, or computers.

English Composition 1492 (3 Semester Hours)

We’ve had to face some pretty hard truths at this university. First and foremost is accepting that the way we understand the English language is exclusionary and volatile. English is an oppressive language with its history and all its rules. We’ve turned English composition on its head with ENGCOMP1492! We consider this the New World of University Composition–and you get to crash its shores and beat its native inhabitants with your cudgels. Instead of making you conform to our “preferred rules of communicating in business, academia, and media”, we’ll conform to yours. Each student is tasked, over the course of the semester, with cataloguing their personal interpretation of the English alphabet, its rules, and pronunciations. Students will be graded on all subsequent written assignments according to these rules, which they must dictate to each professor, who in turn must demonstrate proficiency in your specific language before attempting to grade any written work.

Natural Science 1100 & 1200 (6 Hours + 2 Lab Hours)

In creating the Safe Space Curriculum, we found that non-western science curricula in areas such as Geology, Biology, Chemistry, Anatomy, Astronomy, and Physics created a circular-reference in that they all led back to Western research or discovery. Therefore, instead of forcing these western ideas on our safe space students (who, by the way, market research has found are not very likely to contribute in these areas) are encouraged to spend three hours a week each semester collecting significant contributions of non-westerners in these fields. We know they exist, but we can’t afford a librarian with enough patience to Google it all goddamn day.

Oh, you’ll need to perform some experiments. Maybe you could conduct one where you drill deep enough into the earth’s mantle to discover the corpse of American Liberalism. Odds are, it’s right where you left it.

See past research topics here!

Elective Course (3 Semester Hours)

You pretty much get to do whatever you want. If you feel the need to sit in your dorm for 3 hours a week and protect yourself from ideas that are different from your own and, therefore, inherently offensive, then by jingo that’s your elective! Need to get in a large group on campus for a vague social justice cause that must be important because so many people are vocal about it, and then step on other students’ individual rights? Elective! Basically, we can’t tell you what to elect, or dictate how to study what you elect, so you tell us!

If you’re keeping track of semester hours, this accounts for 26 total credit hours–the two extra hours are trophies you’ll receive for completing your first two semesters of college. And credits. They are real-life credits because, by Jimmy, you earned them.

If we can’t speak rationally about these things, at least let me make fun of them.

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Your Search for the Best Writing Software/Smartphone App is Dumb (and so are you)

I disbelieve, and therefore strongly resent, the assertion that I or anybody else could write better or more easily with a computer than with a pencil.

–Wendell Berry, “Why I am NOT Going to Be Buying A                                                                 Computer.” New England Review. 1987.

When your editor asks you to write everything on a typewriter for a week, say no. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. And don’t look back.

–Cory Blair, “My Torturous Week of Writing Only on a                                                                Typewriter.” American Journalism Review. October 29, 2014.

While I doubt Mr. Blair has ever read Mr. Berry’s timeless (and several times reprinted) essay, his attitude certainly suggests he might come across it by accident and roll his eyes.

This animosity between the worlds of typewriter and computer is what I hope to splice myself into today. You see, I live in a world between Cory Blair and Wendell Berry. I was raised on an electric typewriter. Then I was raised on a word processor (with a typewriter function and a yellow/black screen). And then we got a computer. As an adult, I have written several stories on typewriters–some of them rough drafts of eventually published pieces. Some of them just drunken hammerings.

I love the computer. I love the typewriter.

Cory Blair is an idiot for trying to use the typewriter as a computer, for thinking that the laptop of today is used exactly as typewriters were used prior to the rise of the personal computer–of placing our take-it-everywhere mentality on a time-continuum, ad-infinitum, meaning before the typewriter we hauled printing presses and jars of ink and blocks of paper and pieces of charcoal and sticks of dried clay and rolls of sheepskin to their time-appropriate gathering places–cafes, train stations, hitching posts, swamps, etc. He seems to think, somehow, we were dumber sixty years ago. You can see this thought appear on his face in a photograph that accompanies the article. He stands in a hallway, hauling the 40-pound typewriter behind him on a luggage cart. Like a moron.

Now, Wendell Berry, on the other hand (at least the Wendell Berry from 1987), is also an idiot. In his now-historic essay, he preaches of the typewriter as an almost divine creation, something bestowed upon him that, magically, consumed no natural resources during its production. Never mind the hundreds of tiny arms and pivots, all methodically punched out by an assembly line machine producing thousands of identical typewriters in a factory consuming 1.21 gigawatts of electricity per annum, driven from the factory via highway and interstate in a pre-smog-conscious world, packaged in crisp, fresh cardboard straight from the forest. Never mind that the 19th Century device revolutionized record keeping and document making much as the computer did for the 20th Century. And does it matter that Berry’s railing against corporatism and consumerism was stamped out on a machine made in 1956, just a year before Royal Typewriters would manufacture its 10-millionth typewriter? Does it matter that Royal is now Royal Consumer Information Products, Inc., a company that still produces boring office products with the Royal name stamped on it? Yes, I can thank Google for this systematic debunking of one of America’s great sentimentalist grandfather authors–but you know? I could do it without Google, too. And without a computer.

In addition to being brought up using typewriters and word processors and computers whose most awesome feature was MS-DOS, I also grew up using real-life card catalogs and performing real-life library research for written assignments. For crying out loud, I used colored pencils to highlight photocopies of book excerpts. The computer (and its ever-increasing access to scholarly sources), dear new writer, allows me to do all this research far more efficiently, effectively, and get closer to a finished product faster than at any point in my writing history.

So you, dear new writer, are also stupid if you ask me my opinion on the best writing software or application for your computer or smartphone. When I discuss writing with other writers (which I really, truly despise doing, but do so out of courtesy when I hear the words–“Oh, Joseph is a writer, you should talk to him about writing“) it is guaranteed that I will be asked what software I use to write. Word, you dolts. I use Microsoft Word. 2007, 2010, 2013? Uh, I guess. I never thought about what software I used, except that every so often the features on the ribbon change places, and sometimes I long for the simplicity of Office 97. If you don’t have Word, OpenOffice Writer is pretty much the exact same thing.

Now, I’m not saying you’re an idiot for having a preference–if you take nothing away from this rant, take that at least–and in fact what I’m saying hasn’t been said yet. After stammering my way through my answer, I always get the protest-as-clarification–“No, no, I mean what writing program do you use to format your writing and block out distractions?”

OH! My mistake! Microsoft Word. Whatever version is on whatever computer I use. That’s what I use. Word.

“NO! Focuswriter? Storyweaver? Dramatica? WriteitNow? WritewayPro? PowerStructure? Powerwriter? Contour? Writer’s Blocks? Master Writer? Storybase?”

Like you’re asking Mickey Mantle just how he got to be so damn good. What’s your secret? Because you want to have all the same advantages I have. I know, I know, because my name is one you’ve never heard and yet someone just told you I was a writer and you think maybe they know what they’re talking about.

The question doesn’t have to be directed at me. It can be anyone asking a writer for advice. But the advice is inherently garbage, because it doesn’t matter. And you shouldn’t be so worried about software specifically for writers. Don’t you own books? Real life books on a shelf over your writing space that you can reach up and refer to when you need to? Because thumbing through Gray’s Anatomy is way more satisfying than Googling “those awesome looking bones below your neck.” And can’t you format your own Word document like a big kid? And can’t you refer to an actual book for spacing and formatting guides–like, say, Guide to Style? Shouldn’t you be more worried about what written content you prefer to pull inspiration from rather than what computer program you’re going to use to hack your way through a mental catalog of tepid literary ideas?

The search, the struggle to find the perfect writing software that turns off distractions, that helps with formatting, that helps you build characters and stories and plots, is really just you putting off your due diligence as a writer. It is a huge distraction in itself. If you devoted your anxious energy to reading for pleasure–to exploring the depths of your curiosity through the written word–rather than to nitpick the pros and cons of every writing program available for $49.99, you might just realize that you’re the best writing program. You can make up your own rules, you can do anything you want on paper (or, uh, screen). But you have to be generating words to do so, and it doesn’t matter how the words come out.

So, when you ask for writing advice–is that the best you can do? You have the opportunity to ask anything, anything at all of a fellow writer (however well-known or not) and the only detail that matters to you is what the author has downloaded? Are you, dear new writer, a complete imbecile? If that is truly the only curiosity you can muster about craft, there is no software available for you that can help.

The effect of technology on the written word is one of efficiency, and that is aimed specifically at the act of writing itself, not on tasks associated with writing such as formatting, character and plot development, and editing. My take on technology and literature is that we, as writers, will naturally gravitate toward a system where we are most efficient and effective. For me, the computer (and Word) allows me to type at the speed at which I think. I don’t know what the next innovation in the written word will be, but I’m sure my sentiments will echo Mark Twain’s as he reflected on his first typewriter:

…I will now claim–until dispossessed–that I was the first person in the world to apply the typewriter to literature…The early machine was full of caprices, full of defects–devilish ones. It had as many immoralities as the machine of today has virtues. After a year or two I found that it was degrading my character, so I thought I would give it to Howells…He took it home to Boston, and my morals began to improve, but his have never recovered.

–“The First Writing Machines,” Hartford, March 10 1875.

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WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER: FIRST DAY OF CAMP Boasts 25 Original Cast Members

The first thing you’ll notice about the Wet Hot American Summer revamp is all the familiar faces, and if you’re a tad bit obsessive like me you’ll want to know just how many original actors from the 2001 movie got called up to appear in the new Netflix series. Well, by the title of this post, it’s obviously 25, and there are some hidden gems.

First, the list of actors reprising their roles from the cult-classic film:

Janeane Garofalo–Beth

David-Hyde Pierce–Henry Newman

Michael Showalter–Coop

Marguerite Moreau–Katie

Michael Ian Black–McKinley

Zack Orth–J.J.

A.D. Miles–Gary

Paul Rudd–Andy

Christopher Meloni–Gene

Molly Shannon–Gail von Kleinenstein

Ken Marino–Victor Kulak

Joe Lo Truglio–Neil

Amy Poehler–Susie

Bradley Cooper–Ben

Marisa Ryan–AbbyBernstein

Elizabeth Banks–Lindsay

Kevin Sussman–Steve

Peter Salett–Guitar Dude

Judah Friedlander–Ron von Kleinenstein

H. Jon Benjamin–Can of Vegetables

That’s all for role reprisal, but here are some actors that got called back that you may have missed:

Remember Henry Newman’s lovable band of misfits from the movie who help save the rec hall from the falling piece of Skylab? Well, some of those misfits came back as punks that hearkened back to their original roles:

Christoper Cusumano–Played the medieval nerd in the movie, plays a medieval punk in the series

Kevin Thomas Conroy–Played the mork nerd in the movie, plays mork nerd in series

Gabriel Millman–Played the caped nerd in the movie, plays the head punk in the series

All three punks get blown up by Jon Hamm’s character, Falcon, in aconvenience store.

Also, David Wain (co-writer/creator with Showalter) appeared in the movie as Paco, while Kerri Kenney played his wife. In the series, Wain is back as Yaron–a main character opposite Coop, both of whom are after the same girl. Kerri Kenney has a brief appearance as the real estate agent who helps find Dr. Newman his cabin for the summer in the Netflix prequel.

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